Changes

There have been so many changes in our lives this year.  This whole, less then a year, in fact, just 10 months.  Buying a house, starting school, moving to GA, homeschooling, moving back (and not going back to school), callings change at church, and good friends moving.  The last one has been particularly hard.  It's one thing when you are the one doing the moving, or changing, or have things going on.  A bit different when the change affects you but has nothing to do with you.  Whether it's family or friends (like family) but it's not your change, it kind of makes you want to change or go too, but on the flip side you have to re-evaluate what it is you really want and what is really best for your family. 

So that's what I've been thinking about a lot the past few days.  What do I really want?  What do we want as a family?  What is best for our family?  Individually? 

I really like my house.  It needs to be personalized a bit, homier.  Wish I had a pic of it.  I haven't had much time since we moved here to make it ours.  It's a process, and it doesn't help that the basement internal drain project is not quite finished.  But the house really works for our family.  However, we are outdoor people.  We love being outside.  In fact, this week, the kids were out at 8am, and in at 6pm.  Hard to keep them contained when the weather's been so nice.  But, feelin a bit crowded and need a bit more elbow room outside.  Of course, there's always the pool issue.  Having had an inground pool, I don't think we appreciated it as much as we should have.  Miss it soooo much. 

Yes, we taught our kids to ski in our pool.

Every year since we've had some sort of pool.  Even yesterday we went ahead and bought a little 10' wide, 30" pool.  Something to get cool in, gearing up for the summer.  I had a friend give me open invitation to come use their pool because they're never home and wish someone could have fun there.  So when their 12 year old is home I think we'll go play with him at his pool.  It always matters so much more once the weather gets warmer. 

Another thing this week was we had people over for the first time since we've been back and I'd forgotten and came to understand about myself, how much I enjoy feeding other people and having company!  I mean, I knew we liked to entertain, but didn't realize how much we really enjoy it.  So, I like my house because I feel I can entertain ok here, it's not super fab, but it's ok.  But when we had the pool we could have pool parties and people over and eat good food and socialize and it was always a party.  Been trying to duplicate it ever since on a much smaller scale. 

Then Ed really wants land.  I realize the reason I like our house in Parkview was because there was an acre between everyone and there was elbow room (and a pool, and hot tub). 

But he wants like 40 acres.  We've been looking and have decided it would be more affordable to buy an existing home/pond/acreage as a package, not land and build.  That would be much more expensive (unless we built a log cabin, the most affordable of all homes probably, but is just not our style).  So if we found something would we get it?  No.  Not feeling the push to move.  Love our house.  Actually like our yard too.  We'd build a pool here if we could, but the trucks can't get back between the houses to get to the back.  sigh.  And you're saying, but you just moved there! 

Now I know that it sounds all really silly and you're probably saying just be happy with what you got.  So, there you have it.  Trying to figure out all this change.  What is it we really want.  The thing is, before we went to GA it was a house we could live in indefinitely, and possibly leave Jefferson City.  But while in GA we decided we really like it here and don't really want to leave!  Ed loves his job.  There is always the chance things would change.  There is sooo much change in the medical field change could happen in an instant.  But I'm tired of living that way...in the "it might" or "what if".  Everyone else bought houses and are acquiring land.  And in GA we decided we would like to go ahead and settle in Jefferson City.  That changes things a bit with our house.  Rather then live in a house where you know you're going to move someday, I wish we could get to the house we want to settle in for at least the next 10 years.  I know I overthink this, and worry too much and need to relax and think about something else. 

K.  So how bout this?  There are no LDS youth for Rebecca in this area.  She has phenomenal Christian friends, which I LOVE!  I'm so glad.  I just wish there were some her age in primary at church.  She's the only girl.  We prayed for boys for Jon, and we got them.  I've been praying for girls too, but that's not really happened.  sigh.  She had a bad math day yesterday and was so distraught thinking she was a failure and stupid because she couldn't get some of these math problems.  I felt horrible.  I asked her if she wanted to go back to school and she resolutely told me "No!"  They don't do the fun things that we do at home at school!  And I would miss everybody!"  Ok.  When I told Ed he was pretty upset that I hadn't discussed it with him before I even gave her the option.  I said I didn't know he felt so strongly about it.  To which, he replied, "I didn't know I did either, but I do."  Interesting.  It's feels like it did when Jonathan was born and we felt soo strongly not to get him vaccinated immediately.  We waited and he slowly got all his shots.  Only later we found out he has a weaker immune system and horrible allergies.  So we felt validated in our decision.  So.  Then I had a dream last night that we moved to TX because there are so many more LDS folk there and we're confident she'd have friends her age in church.  Once upon a time, Ed and I did say we would move if necessary for our childrens' well-being and faith.  ?

Which makes me ask myself, what's wrong with me?  Why am I so uneasy?  Why can I not be content or feel settled?  What is going on?  If I had the land, pool and house (right, if I had it all), would these feelings go away?  These are the self-probing questions I'm trying to answer.  Where is all the uneasiness coming from?  Do I have a bit of a nomad in me?  Do I just need to go on vacation, like, every month?  I need to settle down for my childrens' sake, and all of ours, actually.  Which makes me think, we're going to be in this house for a long time....  It's financially the smartest, best choice.  Course, no one has ever accused us of being financially smart....